Happy Valentines Day!

Hello to all my friends and family! I have to say that Valentines Day was always that one holiday that I dreaded. The only reason that I dreaded was because either the person I loved was too far away or I just simply did not have anyone. Well today that is different as I do have someone. I love Patrick more then anything in this world. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile at some of the most weirdest things in this world, but he fits me perfectly.

> is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”

In many ways this quote fits the life that I have with Patrick, He does have the lock that fits the key, that is the key to my heart. There is no one one earth that I love more then he. He saved my life in so many ways, he is sometimes the only one that can make me smile and laugh. When I am having a bad day or a rough time with something he is always the one that can cheer me up. I trust him with everything and I know that he trusts me.

This Valentines day, has shown to be much better for me and I am thankful I can say that I have that person that I love more than anything. I look forward to what the future holds for us. Being Married, staring a family and the rest is only known to be seen.Patrick is my everything, he is the best thing that ever happened to me and I know that we will have ups and downs but that is just part of life, but as long as we lean on each other we can make it through anything. I LOVE YOU Patrick! Happy Valentines day!

 For 4 years I have held on to something that is now time to let go of the most painful thing to date that I have been through, and that was someone that I loved more then anything in my life, and I let him go because of the truth that I found out about him. I let go of him a long time ago but to tell you the truth the pain that he has caused me never has went away, it has always been there. Patrick has filled the shattered heart that Ron left and made it whole again, but to me I will always ask why Ron but me through what he did. So let me explain Ron. 

Ron Juckno- I thought he was the man of my dreams, the first say I met him was in Myspace chat at that time they still had chat. I was bored and needed some motivation so I went into chat. I was there no more then 5 minutes and I left but I will never forget the words that he said to me and that was that I was beautiful. After getting the motivation I needed I left and went back to working on my school work. I thought nothing more of the brief conversation I had with Ron. I logged in to Myspace the next day and he sent me a mesage told me I could add him if I wanted. I was on yahoo more so I gave him my sign in name on yahoo. He logged in and I started talking to him. He had made me feel like no ever guy had, loved. I had talked to him all day, and then he even called me on the phone while he was at work. He told me that he was separated from his wife and would be getting a divorce. I believed him this would be key details that I should never have believed, but because I always believe everyone I thought he was telling me the truth. So the journey begins.....

For the next years Ron came and went from my life, some was my fault some was his, he would talk to me for days and days on end and then just like that I would not hear from him for days, then he would come back and he had a way just to make everything feel better so I would fall right back into his trap he had. I seen red flags, there were countless times I would ask him if he was still married and he would tell me no...of course I believed him. The more I talked to Ron the more I feel in love with him, the more I would do anything to be with him. I met him 1 time in the four years that I was with him. It was ok but it was like he was hiding something. There was a 6 month period that I had enough of his lies but I still talked to him. Eventually I would fall back into his trap. I loved the man, I would do anything for him and I mean anything, I would have given him the shirt off of my back and so much more. I would have been a loving wife, and mother to his children and our future children. He went so far as allowing me to even go out and buy a wedding dress, because I really believed him. He even sent me a ring, all of it was a lie. How could it have been a lie? I still ask myself this question today. 

In December of 2009 I moved from the only state I ever lived in to New York. Living there taught me so many things, and it would have been the plan for me to move from New York to California where Ron lived. I always had faith that would happen, but sadly that never happened. I will always remember the last time I talked to him. I had just started my job in New York and things were going well and just like that Ron once again faded into the sunset, for some reason this time felt different then the last ones, because it was something in the heart that told me it was going to be different. It was 7 days later someone who said it was Ron's "mother" said Ron was in a coma for no apparent reason other then stress Ron was in a coma. My own personal opinion on this matter today is it was Ron the whole time because of the way he stated things in his email, words identical to the way he would say things. Me being the heartfelt person I am believed him. I went through many sleepless nights, I would cry myself to sleep at night worried sick, my health took a turn for the worst while I was out there something both physical and mentally and even emotionally. Would I ever be the same person I once was? I felt at times I went through motions. 

My boss and great friend Rachael had some advice for me to take a trip and take sometime to just think about me and find myself again. At the time I really did not think in-depth about it. Today I realize that her advice saved my life over and over again. I did an internship for school in Myrtle Beach South Carolina. It was a perfect situation for me be educated and find time for me myself to find myself again. I had an ocean front room and it could not have been a more perfect situation. I enjoyed everything I went and did, there are some things that really made me think. I remember texting Rachael and her asking me had I found that time. As I walked the Ocean I was in complete awe of God's wonderful sights. 

As you can see in the above pictures the scenery was awesome. I took the time to take Rachael's advice and "find myself" When I left Myrtle Beach and went back home to New York I did not know how much this trip would impact me until about a month later. During the time I was there Ron was still in his so called coma. I would get updates here and there, but nothing big would ever change. There was always doubt in my mind that he ever had a coma. A day before He "came back" Things changed and I met the most amazing man and that man is Patrick. It was then that I found myself and I realized for the first time in a long time that Ron had been lying to me, it was not Patrick that showed me that light, but it was when I took the nerve to finally message his "ex-wife" on Facebook. In that message I begged her to tell me what was the real truth and she emailed me back that they had always been together that she had known about me and she could just never get him to stop doing what he was doing. The same day I found this out is when I started talking to Patrick. even though happy I felt like my world had come crashing down on me because it was not until the next day that I took the nerve to email Ron's email and demand the truth, the truth I got from him was that Someone from Sweden hacked his email so he could not email me. It was then that I knew I could let go of him and move on. Things worked out good because of Patrick. However the problem was that we were separated by miles. That would soon change so we made the best we could until I could move back to Wisconsin. In the end when I found out the truth, him married faking a coma, I had found my real self and I realized I am strong because of the lessons that Ron taught me and that is to never truth a person like him ever again and when there are red flags that there is a reason for them. 

It has been almost a year now since the whole ordeal with Ron's fake coma started, and I can say that I am happy. I am happy to have found true love, I am happy to be the person I am today, and in the end Ron made me a much smarter and stronger person then I ever was. They say in life that everything happens for a reason, I will always wonder why Ron Juckno did what he did to me and not just me but my family and friends and all the lies he constantly told them but I realize that I learned many valuable lessons in the four years that he lied to me. 

I am truly in Love with Patrick in a little over a year he will be my husband. I am sharing this story about Ron to help those that may be in a similar situation. I was taught many lessons but in the end they have made me a much better person. The reason I named this "What Hurts the Most" is I work every day to put the fractures that Ron caused back together, the low self esteem he caused me, the no trust I had in no one, and so much more. I am sharing this because it helps me put rest in knowing I could save someone else from the same thing.